Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Cobblerist Movement

Modified Feminist Movement Logo
This post is inspired by an old joke and in reply to a chat I had today (yeah, completely unrelated to cricket)...

The world, after decades of strife, was at ease – but an uneasy calm, an eerie silence pervaded all around. American defence budgets had soared to more than 6% of their GDP for the first time. While the majority of budgets for the past 5 years were dedicated to research, for the first time in the decade, manpower costs were hiked – that sure didn’t bode well for the year – was there a war lurking in the background?

The 1984th resolution of the UN Security Council declared that nuclear enrichment by any nation was to be done only under the watch of IAEA. The IAEA, headed by an ex-DefSec, was a 10-member democratic body consisting of 6 US ex-senators, two British ex-PMs, Hamid Karzai and an ageing Jalal Talabani. Pakistan, which had been a largely peaceful nation since the time they contacted Narendra Modi to rebuild their state ridden with turmoil, stated on record that they had no use for nuclear energy and had hence, stopped their civilian nuclear programme. They also refused to buy American technology for the same. Insider sources reported that the budget deficit of the US was to be funded by Pak purchase of advanced enrichment technology for carbon15.

US, under the aegis of IAEA, declared that Pakistan was hiding their nuclear enrichment programme and had potentially been using the same for non-peaceful purposes. They alleged that the enriched C15 was sufficient to manufacture nukes against India. While India remained non-committal, they refused to endorse the US view of the same. However, US was adamant and declared that they would rid the world of all Nukes starting with Pakistan. The democratic IAEA voted unanimously in favour of US aggression.


Brash nation that they are, US declared a unilateral war on Pakistan. The brashness didn’t end there. In a highly publicised press conference, they openly declared that they would obliterate the terrorist network operating in Pakistan and all terrorists, including the cobbler who sat on the parliament house steps would be killed. Suddenly there was outrage in the world. Human Right activists called US a fascist nation for attacking the cobbler. Cobblers from around the world condemned the declaration. Suddenly there were government schemes announced to protect the cobbler. Three nations offered him asylum. The cobbler, ignorant of all that was happening around him, was polishing shoes as usual when the first missile hit the parliament. Afraid, he took up on the offer by the visiting head of state. The ambassador proclaimed victory on humanitarian grounds. The cobbler was airlifted out of Islamabad and taken to an undisclosed location.

Missile after missile kept hitting the Pakistani nation. The cobbler meanwhile was safe in a safehouse 30m underground in an Arab nation. Pakistan was reduced to ashes. 300,000 were presumed dead. Damage estimate touched 10 digits. Meanwhile, human right activists kept shouting slogans against US decision to kill the cobbler. Rights Groups sat on ‘Dharnas’ demanding survival rights of the cobbler. The media covered the complete event in great detail. The cobbler’s parents and family joined in on an indefinite hunger strike. Finally, after 62 days of war, the US accepted it was a folly to think of killing the cobbler. The activists proclaimed victory. The state of Pakistan will forever be known as the state that was sacrificed to save the cobbler.

7 comments:

allwyn said...

American defence budgets had soared to more than 6% of their GDP for the first time???

this is impossible!!

PP said...

@Allwyn: In case you noticed, this is a satire and not a factual read... In the same vein, Carbon-15?

PP said...

@Allwyn: In case you noticed, this is a satire and not a factual read... In the same vein, Carbon-15?

allwyn said...

satire ok ..sry actually i dint read d ful post

Abhinav said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Abhinav said...

Haha, great post. It forces readers to stop for a moment and examine those instances when they succumbed to extreme, irrational tunnel vision themselves. *Not* a pleasant experience. :)

(PS: The earlier comment said the same thing, but I forgot to check the box that said 'mail followup comments to me', and so I resubmitted this.)

PP said...

Thanks. this tunnel vision leading to "movements" is exactly what worries me...