Rahul's Press Conference: Behind the scenes

Disclaimer: Nothing Official About it. Attempt at satire/humour. Is in no way meant to dishonour/discredit the people or the positions of the honourable PM and the President of India.

So here is what happened an hour before the Press Conference of Rahul Gandhi today (Sept 27^th, 2013)

Pranab: OK What do I do... I have to return this ordinance. BJP does have a point.

MMS: Kya Pranab da, sign karo na Jaldi.

Pranab: Singh Sahib, Itna aasan nahi hai... Ise to waapis karna padega. Govt ko bada dhakka lagega

MMS: Sachchi?

Pranab: Muchchi...

MMS: Ek sec ruko, madam ko line pe leta hoon...

Madam: Kya ho Manmohan ji? US jaakar to bahut baaten kar rahe ho...

MMS: Madam, US ki baad mein baat karenge. India mein problem hone waali hai. Pranab da bol rahe hain ordinance waapis karenge.

Madam: Na. Nahi karenge. Main baat karti hoon.

MMS: Line pe hain.

Madam: Kyon Pranab. Presi ban gaye to humaari nahi sunoge?

Pranab: Sorry Madam. But BJP does have a point. Main agar sign kar bhi doon to koi na koi PIL file karke isko void kar dega. And fir Congress Govt ke saath saath meri bhi image kharab ho jaayegi. Aur poora credit Narendra bhai le lenge...

Madam: Wo Gujarat ka Chief Minister Narendra Modi? Wo kyon?

Pranab: BJP hi to aayee hai ye mere paas le kar...

Madam: To kuch bataiye na.. BJP ko nahi lene de sakte credit..

Pranab: Ek hi idea hai. Aap apne upar le lo. Aap bol do Congress is taking back ordinance..

Madam: Us se kya hoga. Manmohan ji ka to mazaak ban jayega aur saath hi govt ka.

Pranab: To aisa karo na. Rahul baba ko bolo Press Conference bulane ko.

Madam: Press Conference? But usme to press waale hote hain. Rahul baat nahi karega

Pranab: Press waalo ko Question nahi poochhne denge. Saath mein kisi doosre congress waale ko bhi rakh lenge taaki rauhl baba ki statement ka sahi sahi meaning de dein just in case kuch ulta bol de.

Madam: Kya matlab? Rahul ulta bolta hai?

Pranab: Nahi nahi madam. Ye matlab nahi tha mera.

Madam: Anyways, sahi to bol rahe ho.

Pranab: Aur fir credit bhi Rahul baba le sakte hain. Main bol doonga BJP ki sunta us se pehle hi govt ne ordinance waapis le liya

Madam: Manmohan ji, aapka bhi kuch boliye

MMS: "Thik Hai".

Madam: Chalo bolti hoon kisi ko press conference arrange karwane ko.

Pranab: Manmohan dada, sambhal lijiyega. US mein press jyada poochhegi nahi. Jab tak waapis aayi tab tak kuch aur scandal arrange karwa denge. ya fir news waalon ko bolenge thode din Modi ji ka laughter show dikhaye TV pe...

MMS: "Thik Hai"

The Cobblerist Movement

This post is inspired by an old joke and in reply to a chat I had today (yeah, completely unrelated to cricket)...

The world, after decades of strife, was at ease – but an uneasy calm, an eerie silence pervaded all around. American defence budgets had soared to more than 6% of their GDP for the first time. While the majority of budgets for the past 5 years were dedicated to research, for the first time in the decade, manpower costs were hiked – that sure didn’t bode well for the year – was there a war lurking in the background?

The 1984th resolution of the UN Security Council declared that nuclear enrichment by any nation was to be done only under the watch of IAEA. The IAEA, headed by an ex-DefSec, was a 10-member democratic body consisting of 6 US ex-senators, two British ex-PMs, Hamid Karzai and an ageing Jalal Talabani. Pakistan, which had been a largely peaceful nation since the time they contacted Narendra Modi to rebuild their state ridden with turmoil, stated on record that they had no use for nuclear energy and had hence, stopped their civilian nuclear programme. They also refused to buy American technology for the same. Insider sources reported that the budget deficit of the US was to be funded by Pak purchase of advanced enrichment technology for carbon¹⁵.

US, under the aegis of IAEA, declared that Pakistan was hiding their nuclear enrichment programme and had potentially been using the same for non-peaceful purposes. They alleged that the enriched C¹⁵ was sufficient to manufacture nukes against India. While India remained non-committal, they refused to endorse the US view of the same. However, US was adamant and declared that they would rid the world of all Nukes starting with Pakistan. The democratic IAEA voted unanimously in favour of US aggression.


Brash nation that they are, US declared a unilateral war on Pakistan. The brashness didn’t end there. In a highly publicised press conference, they openly declared that they would obliterate the terrorist network operating in Pakistan and all terrorists, including the cobbler who sat on the parliament house steps would be killed. Suddenly there was outrage in the world. Human Right activists called US a fascist nation for attacking the cobbler. Cobblers from around the world condemned the declaration. Suddenly there were government schemes announced to protect the cobbler. Three nations offered him asylum. The cobbler, ignorant of all that was happening around him, was polishing shoes as usual when the first missile hit the parliament. Afraid, he took up on the offer by the visiting head of state. The ambassador proclaimed victory on humanitarian grounds. The cobbler was airlifted out of Islamabad and taken to an undisclosed location.

Missile after missile kept hitting the Pakistani nation. The cobbler meanwhile was safe in a safehouse 30m underground in an Arab nation. Pakistan was reduced to ashes. 300,000 were presumed dead. Damage estimate touched 10 digits. Meanwhile, human right activists kept shouting slogans against US decision to kill the cobbler. Rights Groups sat on ‘Dharnas’ demanding survival rights of the cobbler. The media covered the complete event in great detail. The cobbler’s parents and family joined in on an indefinite hunger strike. Finally, after 62 days of war, the US accepted it was a folly to think of killing the cobbler. The activists proclaimed victory. The state of Pakistan will forever be known as the state that was sacrificed to save the cobbler.

Creating a "Top-10" for Dummies

This has been inspired by a recent "Top-10" which ranked engineering colleges

1. Take up a topic that everyone would be interested in. When it’s the month of May, everybody in India is interested in knowing which the best college in India for every stream is. If it’s November (or Mar-Apr), everyone wants to know which the Best B-School in India is. So when its spring, the magazine might come up with, “Top-10 Flowers” in India or when its Diwali time – “The Top-10 Crackers”...
   
2. Create an “exhaustive” list of parameters on which the object can be judged. So if it’s a flower, my criterion are:
   
   • Its colour
     
   • Durability
     
   • Ease of growth
     
   • For the sake of completeness, its ability to attract the other sex
   • And its acceptability in Indian Temples
     
3. Categorise the object that is being ranked. For flowers, categorise it as flowers that can be used to decorate the house, that can be used to appease a roothi hui girl friend and those that can be used in bouquets for giving to the winners of the survey.
4. Create a fundoo sounding methodology. Just note that the following words and terms should appear at least once. Expert, detailed, analysis, survey, representative, statistical, large (wide) sample, ranking, stakeholders, perspectives, review.
5. Shuffle the known best (Like the IIM-A in B-Schools, 6 IITs in technical institutes, AIIMS in medicine) and award them the top ranks. Throw in the lesser considered ones (NITs in engineering; Other IIMs, XLRI, SPJIMR, MDI etc in B-Schools) to complete the top ten. If you want to make it look even more authentic, remove one of the top from the top and declare that the 'top' refused to participate in the survey and hence is not ranked.
6. Throw in a few comments from one of the “stakeholders” stating why the best is the best. Throw in an interview with the head of the best and a few more from people below him in the hierarchy.
7. Importantly, throw in a few statistics which no one can confirm. Ex: While number of petals in roses averaged 57, the number of petals in marigold averaged 123. The trend is expected to improve in the current season due to the influx of Sodiumbenzonitropantonate.
8. Throw in a few “interesting” points. Interestingly, sabsebadafool is the only flower that is found in Jhumri Talaiya that found its way into the top ten.
9. Call one of the later ones in the rankings a “surprise” package who is making its “re-entry” after a gap of 6 years. Cite one reason why that could be. Ex: The Hibiscus finds itself back in the top ten after a gap of 6 years because Ms. Sonia Gandhi has decided to cover her garden with different varieties of Hibiscus.
10. Conclude with a few generic statements which can apply to anything. The atmosphere has a huge impact on the quality and in the coming days, with increasing disturbances, can deteriorate.
    

And Lo! You have your first top-10. Go publish it. If the first step is right, I’m sure you will receive sufficient readership and with it, possibly, big moolah.

PP

The celebration...

The Italian chandelier was lit by a dim halogen glow. The soft light falling on the banquet hall really seemed to fill the evening with joy. The aroma of the tossed Russian salad mixed well with the selection of exclusive selection of French wines procured specifically for this occasion. The ikebana specialist, Sun Takahashi was happy to have got the contract for the arrangement of the Dutch Tulips in the central hall. The smile(y) was present on every nook of the decorated room. The city’s who’s who were all there, waiting for the Mr. R’s arrival. There were suddenly flashes all around and sudden frenzy at the door. Mr. R was accompanied by his new fiancée Ms. S. Dressed in a deep blue Armani, Mr. R looked ready for the occasion. The media sure was.

“Friends, the last month has been a real enlightening week for us. It was one where we experienced feeling so surreal, so redeeming that I feel privileged to be present here today to tell you more about it. We started off with the “Ghoomo India” campaign where 20 of us travelled across the country. Thanks to the innovative designs of our buses by Mr. D, who agreed to design the buses without any charges, we were able to visit places where no government goes. I’m happy to inform you that we supplied the village health centres worth 20 Crore of medicines. Thanks to the involvement of the 200 self-help-groups and mahila mandals in the city, we were able to collect 20 quintals of grain and used clothes. These were distributed to the needy with the help of the NGOs who decided to support us. Thanks to your support, we were able to reach out and spread the message of our foundation to 20 crore people of this country. Tonight we are here to celebrate the success of our mission and we have a reason to. I’d like to thank the schools and colleges, the Governmental Organisations and the NGOs, the self-help-groups and above all, the media for helping us on this tough journey. Please enjoy yourselves. I’m sure Chef P will have prepared a good selection of food for all your tastes. I’ve a meeting to attend and will thus take leave. Good night.”

Mr. R left the hall and walked towards his car. The chauffeur opened the rear door of the sedan. Mr. R. got into his car. The media was now focussed on other guests at the party. Just then...

“Do rupaye de do saahab. Kal se kuch nahi khaya hai. Maa Bimar hai. Yeh dekho sahib, behan ko bukhar hai. Do rupaye de do.”

“Chal Hat, Watchman, yeh log andar kaise aa gaye. Hatao inhe yaha se. Watchman... Driver Gadi chalao...”

French Open: Rafael Nadal in PINK

That he is no less male was demonstrated through his shots and the ultimate scoreboard (7-5, 6-4, 6-3) in the opening round against Brazilian Marcos Daniel but still PINK!!! And it was no manly pink... It was no Mauve or anything but PINK... He may call it "Light Rose" or whatever... but as Phoebe puts it many times in her typical tone "po-tay-to po-tah-to", its PINK after all...

Now if Federer can't make his trademark shots and ends up losing to Nadal, he can surely make an excuse of courtesy or even better, distraction!! We can bid goodbye to the trademark bright green - hope it is not the case with the brilliant tennis he plays along with it.

Yup, the pic on the right is his colour this French Open...

PP

P.S.: The latest score - Federer Lost his serve in the opening game and trails 0-2.... OK no, not to Nadal :)

India Voted for....

Now that the elections are over and the whole nation waits for the results, lets work out scenarios and see what will become of India post-elections...

If Congress comes to power:

• Bofors scam pushed under carpet for yet another five years, Quattrochi made honorary member of Rajya Sabha through a special ordinance and then honorary defense advisor
  
• Few more Indira XXXX Yojana and Jawaharlal Nehru YYYY Programme
• Setting up of n new IITs and n/2 new IIMs where N = number of states where congress is in power ==> If he is an IITian, so am I... so am I... and so am I...

If BJP comes to power:

• No more “Sonia Ji” speeches from Modi
• Khakhi shorts declared the uniform of all national government machineries
• Nationalisation of education and educational institutes
  • New Masters Courses in Palmistry, Tarot Reading, Parrot training
    

If Left comes to power:

• IPO of CITU – sure to be oversubscribed 70 times on Sensex (reliance power was 69 times)
  
• Reinvestment in all sick private units functioning at below 40% utilization to create more jobs and more unions – after all private companies are way under-populated

If Mayawati becomes PM:

• 2% Reservation for all “upper castes”
• Fake caste certificates legalised. Rates nationalised at 10% declared annual income
  

PP

I'm A Proud Geek...

I'm a proud geek.. and just to clear a few misconceptions... doesn't remotely mean I'm a ghissu (XL lingo... with no english translation...)

The context...

Sheldon is the perfect example of the perfect geek... My new role model...

• Geeks are sociable people. Ghissus are sociable only with the books...
  
• Geeks love technology and products. Ghissus love the reading the theory behind the technology without ever realising that the theory was discovered and rejected for being too complex around two decades back.
  
• Geeks are well aware of Page 3 news. Ghissus are well aware of page 3... and not just that.. also page 4,5,6,7,8...100,101,102.....999 of every one of their books.
  
• Geeks crack jokes (understanding them requires something extra though). Ghissus can crack jokes only if they have taken humour as an elective and their text-book contains an exercise where they have to pick out phrases commonly called by people as jokes.
  
• Geeks love people. Geeks will use all their geekyness to help a friend in need. Ghissus love the people only if they are the authors of their favourite text-book.
  
• Geeks are frail (often to the point of being invisible). Ghissus are not. They are often plooomp (this can be credited to their long hours spent in their rooms or library or canteen).
  
• Geeks put their friends first (spl in case of fights with others... the reason.. refer the previous point). They will use their geekyness to the breaking-point to solve any problem. Ghissus, they follow Groucho Marx to the letter and have books as their best friends...
  
• Geeks have deep emotions (which may or may not be as geeky) and believe in the Saturnalia Miracle. Ghissus are deeply attached to their books (quite literally).
• Geeks are five-point-someone. For all they care, they could go down another half a point without getting worried. The ghissus.. they often wonder why, even with their near perfect replication of the book, their grades linger around the sevens and eights without once going over the magical figue of 8... BTW a slump of 0.1 often translates to two less hours of sleep everyday...
• And for the curtain dropper...
  Geeks will know that the territorial boundaries of India extend upto 12 nautical miles into the sea but not who the author of the books they are carrying is... and for the ghissus... well does it matter as long as it is a book they are carrying.

A Proud Geek,

PP

“Democracy” – An Excellent mockery of governance

Disclaimer: The following piece of literature presents hypothetical systems. Any similarity or reference to any existing government machinery (or incident) is purely coincidental and unintentional.

Dear Blog,

Many score and many years ago, Ab Lincoln talked of a democracy “Of the People, By the People and For the People”. What he proposed was a utopian society where every man was equal. Lemme analyse how further wrong could he not have been...

You have the right to elect the leaders but no right to govern their actions. What if the majority government unilaterally enacts a legislation (with all suitable amendments and clauses) heavily inclined against the common populace?

One fine morning, ToI first page: In lieu of the 900th amendment to the “Winners of Lottery Act, 2008”, the ruling government reserves the right to the largest amount in any lottery. Any wealth collected vide 900th amendment to the “Winners of Lottery Act, 2008” will be termed legal. This amendment will supersede all other contradictory articles and amendments in the constitution.

What right does the ordinary man have to prevent the government from doing this?

Defence by the government, “The ruling has been made by a popular government. The voter has the right to NOT-CHOOSE the government the next time it goes to vote if he unsatisfied by the government and its bodies.”

Will someone tell me how many times does a common man win a lottery? What happens to the wealth accumulated by the ruling government in the period till the next government comes to power? Can it not be used to further influence people?

Well, to appear just and not unilateral, the government gives the voter the option of impeachment described below:

If motion proposed by minimum 1/8 of population (1)

    If minimum number of attendees to the motion equal to 7/8 of population (2)

        Voting valid --> Decision taken by simple majority. (3)

    Else End of Process

Else End of Process

Brilliant. The government is responsive. The government is so open. The government is so just.

Second look: What if 6.99/8 of population is in favour of the motion? Condition 1 satisfied. What about condition 2? To further compound the problem, what if 1/16 of the population is not in town to vote? That’s not good enough. What if 1/32 of the population is direct stakeholder against the motion? That leaves only further 1/32 of the population to actually abstain from the voting to get it declared invalid. What a democracy – 87% of the population v/s 2% of population and the 87% is considered invalid because the 2% are absent from voting!!!

Which government will modify this legislation, a legislation so inclined in the favour of the ruling government; a legislation that empowers the government to commit any crime and ask for solid proof (which again is ratified as acceptable by the same government!!! Y am I not surprised...)?

Probably, George Orwell got it more right when he said, “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others”. And when the mistakes of super equals are brought to fore, they retaliate in a manner which makes the other equals feel these super equals were better off ignorant of the mistakes (Putting it mildly against “crimes”). That these super equals will do anything to protect their exalted status is the essence of modern democracy.

The democracy is “By the people” when the government is formed, “Of the people (the neo-super-equals)” during its existence and “For the people (the super equals)” in its functioning. For the rest of junta, kat raha hai...

MMM

P.S.: Any Law (Civil, industrial or watever else) students/professionals, please correct me if I've overlooked any provsion(s) in Indian constitution which is in direct contradiction to above. There is a possibility that the whole article is incorrect, in which case, please provide me links to suitable literature.
P.S2.: The limit on quorum is 10% as known to me. The specific example of the impeachment procedure is a known violation of the rule used to prove a point

Requiem for a (G)Dream

Friends,

Today we gather to pay homage to a once-preferred mode of short-listing candidates. He was a technique, a method and over all – a true judge of person’s abilities to work in a group. However, in face of zillions of websites and coaching centres trying to make group workers out of overzealous individuals, our poor chap lost out. Now what remains is a group but hardly any discussion ever takes place. Saddest of all is the fact that he was betrayed by his own tools. 

For me, he was not just a GD, he was more... he was a G(m)D.

• Initiation: Initiation was seen as a positive sign of a person being able to take initiative. But now everyone knows this. Result, when the initial few minutes are given to think and jot down key points, participants are more looking at their watches than thinking. 5 secs before the actual time, all start – “Friends.... blah blah” It’s pure luck who sustains this...!!!
  
• Team skills: Commonly heard in GDs I’ve been part of – “Taking his point forward... blah blah” when the point being made is not even remotely connected to the previous speaker and in many cases contradictory....!!! “As my friend (Remember, u can’t call him names in GD) said... blah blah” and proceed to make a point which is a polar opposite of his actual point.
  
• Listening: Lesser said the better. Stop a GD midway and ask the next speaker to not make his point but reiterate the previous point and half the time he/she would just mumble.
  
• Assertiveness: Yeah right... Shout and be heard. Repeat “Friends friends friends...” till someone with more sense than you stops and lets you speak.
  
• Knowledge: Does it even matter!!! As long as you can speak English, it shouldn’t matter. IR guys trying to explain fin fundae (That was brilliant!!!) and bummers talking of labour laws, rights of workmen and court procedures (Even more so!!!)... Marketing – well that is anyone’s field anyways... you just need to think customer is a fool and you know more than the marketers of global conglomerates (Kotler sure had an uneasy day!!!)
  
• Reasoning ability: Yes. That is still present in GDs. “Friends... let us first try to understand the reasons behind blah blah....” is what all GDs start with. This forces me to assume there is some reasoning going on behind the brains (though the content that follows often defies the reasoning)
  
• Leadership skills: Stopping one person making a valid point to give a non-participative member a forceful chance to speak is bringing out the best and thus demonstrative of leadership skills. “Friends... I think let us hear what Mr.XYZ here has to say” even when Mr.XYZ has no particular point to make. Mr. XYZ also starts making a “valid” point when in his mind he is thinking, “Dude! What are you doing? Why do you want to make a fool of me? I know nothing on the topic and am only waiting for the moderator to say ‘summarise’. If I speak now what will I do then!!!”

GD was a good man but overuse caused a total burnout leaving no purpose in his existence. Though HR pros still think they can use his services, what they are actually doing is reducing their workload due to absence of any other bakra. May the G(o)D rest in Peace.

MMM

||Karmanyev adhikaraste, maa phaleshu kadachana||

Long back, Krishna told Arjun on the battlefield,

“Dude, listen up.. watcha talkin about rewards and consequences. Do u think doing good will get u good for sure and doing bad will bring harm to you no matter wat... Arre bhai.. there is no good or bad. U feel u are doing good but the other person may not see it as good. If not bad, it may be just seen as routine happening.

So wat shud u do? See doing good is in ur control. Do it. Hope it is seen as good and u get something in return (reward or award). Jyaada se jyaada kya hoga... award nahi hi milega na... but at least u’ll know ki tumne apne kaam kiya.. u tried... and if tht satisfaction is not good enuf, no reward ever will be. So don’t try for tht which is not in ur control. Wat u are good at will not be recognised. Wat good u do will be ignored... wat u’ll get will be a courteous reply saying u are good but we’re sorry... Wat u are bad at will be the titlebar on every screen but wat can u do?

One option is to sit and think over it... second option is to forget (though tht’ll be the toughest think to do) and proceed. In short do ur work... take if any reward comes ur way but u got no right to claim anything... nothing is urs... Machi, accept the fact.. its my way or the highway”

This has been my story for the last few days... filling up forms... hoping someone will think I’m good enuf... but the more I talk to ppl, I tend to realise I’m not. If not bad, i’m no more than routine... someone they can choose to ignore for want of better ppl. And by now I’ve become so immune to it all that I will chose to ignore if i’m not picked and proceed with my daily routine of fillin in more...

Mera number bhi aayega..
MMM

P.S: Self-prophecy turned out to be true...

One Week Ago

Dear Blog,

This should have come one week back but owing to the infinite assignments and projects...
Thankfully, late submission will not be returned or penalised...

Heres it goes..

Every good thing has an end, they say... No one says talks of the bad. Do bad things ever come to an end? Well, seems they too do. What then is the difference between the good and the bad? Good things are forgotten... bad haunt you for the days to come if not your whole life. Good things leave u happy for a day, bad, they leave you battered and tattered for many more. Good things, well others know about it and it shows, bad, you know it and the others simply assume it. Does it show? It does and not always in ways you have control over.
The-week-that-is is one and no points for guessing which side of the good-bad divide it is on. And worst part is, it is not yet over!!!

It all started with the quiz for the excellers and not the ordinary XLers. Fraxing is not allowed when you are submitting to the demands of the peer organisations. Forget the social, at 6 o’clock in the evening, you are not in a position to take responsibility of your own self. And then suddenly you are reminded of the impending crisis of recovering the sunk cost of the two hrs of sleep you just credited. You raise your hands up in the air and shout out aloud, “I will never play with toys again”, I’d rather be thrown into a burning haven.

Opportunity knocks once they say, opportunity cost knocks you out!!! Sometimes I feel If God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things, right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

Till that forever comes..

Yours sincerely,

MMM